I’ve noticed a lot of pride in myself.
Not the good kind of pride that makes you take a shower or put on deodorant. I’m talking about the kind of pride that has me looking God square in the face and saying, “Screw you! I want things my way! We’ve played at your little game for a long time now, and this time I want stuff for me!”
Ya see, I want things. I want to be out of Africa (yesterday). I want to have an awesome, high-paying job that I love. Just once I want that annoying relationship status update on Facebook to be about me. I want to be able to go for a run down the road without worrying about security. I want to wear jeans in public. I want to go out on a random Tuesday night in a little cute dress and heals with my hot girlfriends for pizza and margaritas. Heck, I just want to live in a place where I can go somewhere (anywhere) to see something beautiful.
So I’ve spent four years here in Niger. This country is like... all the worst parts of planet Earth piled into one place then shoved into the armpit of the world that no one notices or cares about. I feel like four years living and serving here should give me some bargaining chips with the Big Man.
“See here, God, I’ve been like… super Christian. I’ve gone above singing on the praise team or passing out programs at church. I’ve stepped out in faith. I’ve set aside a lot of stuff to do this and I’ve been very content all this time. I think it’s time I get the frosting on the cake, mmkay? SO I’d like to order a super sexy guy who loves you to sweep me off my feet and make me a part of his triple-digit-salary life in that perfect house where I can get that perfect job and a nanny to take care of those 2 kids and the dog you’ll be giving me.”
Unfortunately for my demands, relationship with God means there are no bargaining chips. We are humans and we’re sinful. We rely entirely on Christ for redemption, and since he already gave us everything, there is nothing left to bargain for because we already have it all. In exchange, God only requires one thing from us. Everything.
Since we’ve received everything, we’re expected to give everything.
That means that those chips I think have, don’t exist; they’re just part of the everything.
Well, isn’t that just the great equalizer of humanity.
That means my “awesome work for Jesus” is not any greater than my brother’s awesome farming. My brother gives his everything in that farm for Jesus. I give my everything in this ministry for Jesus. We’re both in need of Christ’s everything. God is equally pleased by our “everythings”.
This leaves me one option. Contentment.
Unfortunately, I’m so bitter about having no chips right now that I don’t even want to be content. I’m too proud to ask God for contentment because I don’t want it.
What I really want is that husband and 2.5 kids in a cute little house surrounded by a white picket fence that shines whiter than the arc-angel Gabriel. And I’m afraid that if I sit back into contentment as I have been for the past 10ish years, my life will continue on and these things will never come. Being content hasn’t brought them, so I’m going to try something new.
So God and I are ultimately at a standstill. He wants my everything. I won’t give him my contentedness or trust. And I wonder why I am feeling so miserable...
“That’s it! You and me, God! After school on the playground! 3:15! Be there! And don’t forget to bring what I want!
“Wait. What? I’m supposed to bring what you want too?”
*Crap*
I want to be able to say i know or i can relate. the truth is i cant! but i really appreciate your transperency in this post. the amazing thing about God is he does care and want to bless you with the desires of your heart even if it is a white pickett fence. i just dont know why he gives or waits to give. you are in my prayers and im totally praying that a totally hot dude will show up and marry you:-)
ReplyDeleteHonesty; Vulnerability; we are to be these things in front of God. There is always a reason and a season for what we go through in this life. We may not know what that reason is or why we're in such a season. We just have to TRUST. Trust is hard when we're hurting so bad or when those prayers go unanswered. please know I'm praying tons for you as you continue teaching these next few months.
ReplyDeleteHey. You know me. You can imagine how I felt at 32 having put years into a situation that there was no rebuilding from. And, four years later, finding my own kids hated me.. and I still struggle with their loss (or none) bondedness to me. But, I consider that whole experience part of my training. Jesus said, "If you suffer with me, you shall also reign with me." I wanted to serve Christ with my whole heart and life (as I believe you did.). I believe that experience now was for "fine tuning" as to what is of God (Our Creator) and what is of religion.. a lot of man's poor efforts to "be good" and "do the right thing."
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