I Will Never Miss 2012

We all come to that time in the new year when we look back on what was. We're further removed from the events so we can see them for what they were and what they are becoming. The glance back allows us to count what was gained and what was lost.

This list seems lengthy and looks like a lot of griping. I hesitate to post it, but I've been absent from here for so long that I decided to leave it to help you catch up on what the last 12 months have brought. My heart was ugly last year. This is all I could see with my darkened eyes. Read the list with grace and patience. Or just skip it because it might just be me complaining. Either way, please know that each piece builds into who I have become am becoming.

• Homeless
• I moved house...still homeless.
• I moved house again.
• A play was produced, classes were taught, a yearbook published, exams given and graded. School dismissed
• I over-committed myself and exhausted my spirit and my body.
• I came to America to a joyful funeral and a wedding...and lots of family I didn't have energy to invest in.
• I kayaked the Missouri for a summer.
• I argued with God.
• God spoke; I didn’t like what he had to say. 
• I ignored him.
• I dated a cool guy.
• My grandmother listened to me play guitar on her porch.
• I attempted slalom waterskiing. Failed, but had a great time!
• My nephews played softball with me.
• I returned to Niger and found open arms and Cool Guy.
• I moved house again.
• AirFrance lost my luggage.
• Most of my best friends in Niger moved away.
• My school flooded.
• I waded in poo-water and stuffed books into boxes that were then floated out in canoes.
• The job I loved got really hard.
• God asked for obedience. I wouldn’t give.
• Cool Guy returned to America for a short time; when he came back, he was gone for a lifetime.
• I told a friend, "Things can't possibly get worse. It's only up from here!"
• I wrecked my car.
• I broke my computer screen.
• I disappointed people whom I care deepest about.
• I over-committed myself and exhausted my spirit and body—again.
• I finally collapsed. 
• I let myself be overwhelmed under a pile of my sin, inadequacy, disappointment, failures, selfishness and pride and only left my bed when I absolutely had to.
• God gently eased my frozen fingers off of what I would not give.
• I tried to listen as He slowly proved that it truly is better this way.
• He taught me to pray.
• He taught me to trust.
• He helped me to humbly ask for and accept forgiveness.
• He helped me persevere.
• My mom and aunt came to visit. I apologized to them for my state.
• A friend and I took an awesome vacation.
• He taught me to rest.
• We said good-bye to 2012 on Waterloo Bridge over the Thames.
• I don’t miss that year.

In November Cool Guy called me from his lifetime away. He asked me how this would have been different if I could change one thing. What if I had gone to America instead of staying to clean up the flood? How would things have been different?

Would I change this?

My heart leapt forward.

Of course I would change it! Is this even a question? An entire element of the tragic sucky-ness of this year might have been cut out if I could change that one decision. Do I even need a brain to answer this question? I would change almost everything on that list!

And then I heard Him...

You’re forgetting. Look to me. Look at how faithful I was. Remember how I rescued you from that pit of sadness? Remember how you were completely exhausted and I enabled you to rest? Remember how I woke you up each morning and gave you courage to get up and face those things? Remember how I pulled you out of bed each day and wiped away your feelings of inadequacy and shame? Remember how I made all things possible when you finally called on my name?

You learned to ask me for help. You learned to trust me. You learned to pray your way through every moment of every day. You got to experience what it really means to rely completely on my strength alone in order to function from moment to moment. Not everyone gets to do that! You are still here because I AM.

Why would you cut out all the most beautiful parts of this story? 

*sigh*

And then I remembered that despite all the ridiculousness, James was right when he said "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

Usually I just want to punch James in the face for saying this, but I know it is true because God proved it in my own life. This isn't my sob story. This is a story of the power of God.
Because where I see a year that almost destroyed me, God sees a year where he completely rescued me.

It is better this way, isn't it, Jesus?

Yes, Baby Girl, it is way better this way.

I will never miss 2012, but I am forever grateful it all happened. 

What about you? Will you miss 2012?