Usually after a successful moment with it, I am entirely and incandescently happy. But getting myself to move and start can be comparable to writing down an appointment to see your proctologist (not that I've ever had an appointment with a proctologist).
What I found this last quarter (after completely failing at my job on so many levels) is that I cannot fake this service stuff.
Oh! For sure, I can go through the actions. I know dorm/school schedule. I can be in the right place at the right time doing the right thing for the right amount of time and look great doing it! But I was daily leaving my grace, kindness, joy, and even gentleness and patience somewhere that only I could find it. I guess I felt the need to keep them locked away just for me.
The work got done.
The kids learned stuff.
But I was faking.
Did I really care that my job is to serve? Serving with my heart, not just my brain or my hands. I don't think I did.
Faking being a servant. Each time I took over the dorm for the dorm parents, but was bitter about it, I was faking. Helping this kid with homework and letting him get on my nerves...fake servant. Losing patience with the slacker chore team after having to refocus them...again. Faker!!
It finally took one of my friends taking me by the shoulders and letting me know that I was being
selfish
ridiculous
a jerk
fill in the blank
I am proud to report that a change has taken place. Granted, it's a change I have to choose every day, but my heart is serving with the rest of me now. I cleaned up kid barf this week and ya know what? I didn't mind. This is going to sound ridiculous, but it was fun to serve the kid and the dorm parents in that moment. When my heart and my hands are doing the same thing, I can actually feel the pleasure of God in the work I do.
This following God thing is hard work!
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