Whose Story is This?

Peter didn’t quit. If anyone had a reason to quit, he did. How unfit for ministry was he? A guy with a loud mouth and quick to act. Not only was he a disciple, he was the leader of the disciples. Jesus put him in a full on leadership position. Then he stood in front of a whole group of people just outside the building where the God of the universe was being put on trial and denied him because there was the possibility that he might face persecution. 

What if we put Peter in today’s church? A pastor of a large, nationally known church, caught on secret video denying the faith in a small group of people because he was about to be persecuted. We would have a media frenzy! The elders of the church would have pulled him aside, maybe asked him to step down or ‘take a break’ from ministry. He did, in fact, step down. After Jesus’ resurrection, where do we find Peter? Fishing. He decided he wasn’t fit for ministry either. Jesus had to go out there to get him off the water then ask three times if Peter loved him. After each “yeah, Jesus, of course I love you” Jesus had to remind him to get back to the job of ‘fishing for men’ that he had originally been called to. Three years of living, eating, and sleeping next to God incarnate, and Peter lost sight of his calling because of his shame at a mistake that he made.

Here’s where I like to catch up with Peter. He has a choice. Go back to his calling or go back to fishing. Does anyone know what he did? It was just him and some non-believers standing around that fire. No one caught him on video. No disciples were even standing around to hear him. No one had to know he screwed up. Not ever. Yet we still find this story in the Bible. Why? Because at some point, Peter realized that the glorious story of Christ’s forgiveness was more important than his own pride.

Peter could have blamed this on a lot of things. Stress, fatigue, fear, and after 3 years of chasing Jesus all over Israel and sleeping wherever they could find a place, maybe he could blame burn-out too. Heck, why not blame the whole situation on something else.

I see where Peter is coming from. I soooo get Peter! In my last post I blamed all my problems on Niger and shed some unflattering light on her. Ultimately I think we all know that it’s not Niger’s fault. My failure to give up pride and let God have control over me is my issue and can’t be blamed on anything else. I learned that in fist fights, sometimes other people who aren’t involved at all get punched, and they don’t appreciate it. Sorry I used this place as an explosion for my week of frustration.

Peter learned first hand that God speaks truth when he says “my grace is sufficient”. We can’t expect grace from others. Sometimes even Christians don’t give each other grace. But if God’s grace is truly sufficient, we can carry on. We can own up to our stories because, once again, they are the stories of God’s grace, forgiveness and provision, not of our failures.

I’m Too Proud to Ask God for Contentedness, So I’m Going to Challenge Him to an After School Fist Fight Instead

I’ve noticed a lot of pride in myself. 

Not the good kind of pride that makes you take a shower or put on deodorant. I’m talking about the kind of pride that has me looking God square in the face and saying, “Screw you! I want things my way! We’ve played at your little game for a long time now, and this time I want stuff for me!”

Ya see, I want things. I want to be out of Africa (yesterday). I want to have an awesome, high-paying job that I love. Just once I want that annoying relationship status update on Facebook to be about me. I want to be able to go for a run down the road without worrying about security. I want to wear jeans in public. I want to go out on a random Tuesday night in a little cute dress and heals with my hot girlfriends for pizza and margaritas.  Heck, I just want to live in a place where I can go somewhere (anywhere) to see something beautiful.

So I’ve spent four years here in Niger. This country is like... all the worst parts of planet Earth piled into one place then shoved into the armpit of the world that no one notices or cares about. I feel like four years living and serving here should give me some bargaining chips with the Big Man. 

“See here, God, I’ve been like… super Christian. I’ve gone above singing on the praise team or passing out programs at church. I’ve stepped out in faith. I’ve set aside a lot of stuff to do this and I’ve been very content all this time. I think it’s time I get the frosting on the cake, mmkay? SO I’d like to order a super sexy guy who loves you to sweep me off my feet and make me a part of his triple-digit-salary life in that perfect house where I can get that perfect job and a nanny to take care of those 2 kids and the dog you’ll be giving me.”

Unfortunately for my demands, relationship with God means there are no bargaining chips. We are humans and we’re sinful. We rely entirely on Christ for redemption, and since he already gave us everything, there is nothing left to bargain for because we already have it all. In exchange, God only requires one thing from us. Everything. 

Since we’ve received everything, we’re expected to give everything.

That means that those chips I think have, don’t exist; they’re just part of the everything. 

Well, isn’t that just the great equalizer of humanity.

That means my “awesome work for Jesus” is not any greater than my brother’s awesome farming. My brother gives his everything in that farm for Jesus. I give my everything in this ministry for Jesus. We’re both in need of Christ’s everything. God is equally pleased by our “everythings”.

This leaves me one option. Contentment. 

Unfortunately, I’m so bitter about having no chips right now that I don’t even want to be content. I’m too proud to ask God for contentment because I don’t want it.

What I really want is that husband and 2.5 kids in a cute little house surrounded by a white picket fence that shines whiter than the arc-angel Gabriel. And I’m afraid that if I sit back into contentment as I have been for the past 10^ish years, my life will continue on and these things will never come. Being content hasn’t brought them, so I’m going to try something new.

So God and I are ultimately at a standstill. He wants my everything. I won’t give him my contentedness or trust. And I wonder why I am feeling so miserable...

“That’s it! You and me, God! After school on the playground! 3:15! Be there! And don’t forget to bring what I want!  

“Wait. What? I’m supposed to bring what you want too?”

_*Crap*